Wii U Karaoke

Note: This image is not from the Wii U karaoke system

Well, I said that Nintendo would be fools if they didn't consider making karaoke software available for their new Wii U console, and it looks like I was proven right.  They released a Nintendo Direct video (video is in Japanese, but you can get the gist even if you don't speak the language, especially if you've ever done Asian-style karaoke before) about a week ago that shows off software that, partnered with Joysound's support, will allow Japanese Wii U users access to about 90,000 songs for karaoke-ing.  The songs will be available at hourly rates, as well as longer-term rates for access to the song library (currently 90 days is the maximum access period that can be purchased, which will cost 2000 yen).

Although 90,000 songs seems a little low compared to Joysound's total catalog, it is far larger than the 1000 songs available on Wii's Joysound software, and 10x as many as the 8000 available on the company's similar offering for the Playstation 3 in Japan (Joysound Dive).  However, my main gripe is that Nintendo/Joysound still cannot see the benefit of releasing this software in the US!  I remain firmly convinced that if karaoke boxes were to pop up (and be more inexpensive) in American cities, karaoke would become every bit as popular here as it is in most East Asian nations.  Bringing over software that replicates that experience not only would be a step towards legitimizing karaoke in America, it would also be a huge windfall for Nintendo.  The only problem that I can imagine is that Joysound may not have the rights to use many English language songs, especially in the US.  In order to succeed in America, there would need to be both a solid stable of classics to choose from and at least relatively quick updates to add songs that are popular right now.  Joysound may have that kind of clout in Japan, but I don't know if they can come over to America and do that with US recording companies.

But let's figure this out, Nintendo & Joysound.  This could be huge for you, and launch is when you need these kinds of novelties the most.

Just what is the deal with Peter Molyneux's Curiosity? (UPDATED)

What is that black monolith pictured above?  That's just Curiosity.  A cube made of (according to the information included with the app) billions of smaller cubes.  You destroy the smaller cubes by tapping on them, and once an entire layer is cleared, on all sides, the next level becomes available for tapping destruction.

The hook is that, whoever destroys the final block at the center will receive a link to a video.  What that person does with the link is his or her own business, but creator Peter Molyneux promises that the contents of the video will be life-altering for whomever receives it.  Will it be life-altering for everyone who sees it?  The answer to that could give a clue about the nature of whatever is contained within the video.

Peter Molyneux has been responsible for other big stories in gaming, including the Fable series, which was supposed to be a revolution in RPG realism, and the now-infamous Milo demo for the Xbox Kinect, which Molyneux claimed we were not ready for as a gaming society and which many have speculated was pre-scripted.

Suffice to say, Molyneux is known to be a man long on ideas and short on execution.  That's why it should come as no surprise that his Curiosity - What's Inside The Box? has run into some technical snags since going live on Tuesday.  Many have had problems getting access to the server, and others (myself included) have lost part or all of their balance of coins after server hiccups.  He promises that his team is working on the problems and that the latency issues (sometimes you can be tapping right along and then discover that someone else has already cleared that entire area, rendering your efforts meaningless) and log-in problems should be eliminated sometime this week.  After that, he wants to bring out new modes of play (it seems they will be mandatory) that tweak the experiment and measure how we, the players, react.

However, independent of all the promises in the world (I was the 500,000-something-th player to download and play the game, so I regard my chances of being "The One" as very slim), it's an independently enjoyable experience.  The game (and it IS a game, regardless of what online naysayers may nay-say) has skill components, reward mechanisms, upgrades, cooperative play (if you want to think of it that way--like co-op with 500,000 other people) and offers a sense of achievement over time.  

So then, what is it about the game that interests people who know they have no chance of being the one winner?  For me, the game has two draws  One, I enjoy cleaning up the mess that others leave behind.  Undoubtedly, the quickest way to clear blocks is by zooming out the screen and tapping furiously, destroying the cubes at a much quicker rate in a manner similar to a shotgun.  However, that leaves pockets of blocks just hanging out on the surface, and they must be cleared before the next level can be unlocked.  So I come along and impose order from the chaotic scatter of remaining blocks.  Two, it's satisfying to look at something that's been designed to be impossible to complete, and know that we're going to take it down, anyway.  I'd like to see what the status of the cube is next month--assuming it hasn't been destroyed--after the publicity and novelty has faded, because with only hundreds, or even thousands, as Molyneux had originally anticipated, I do not believe it will ever be destroyed.  It's not an issue of ability or of interest, but rather one of morale.  Half of the time that I play only comes about because I want to log in and see what kind of progress has been made.  It would be a huge blow to morale if you logged in one morning and the cube looked exactly the same as it had before you went to bed.  People are the key to this experiment being a success.

So what do I think is inside the cube?  If I had to guess, it's going to be some kind of sobering truth, like "With all the tapping you did on this game, you could have powered New Zealand for three years, don't you feel bad about yourself?" or something.  But I'm okay with that.  For me, it's largely irrelevant what's inside the cube.  I would like to know, but more than anything, I just want to take the sucker down.

Curiosity - What's Inside The Box? is currently available for iOS and Android operating systems, and it's free.  Go download it and help us bring down this beast.

UPDATE: While I was playing last night, a screen popped up telling me to touch the 'facebook' icon, and that 22 Cans had just upgraded to 'super-servers'.  I'm a little skeptical about the 'facebook' button that I had to press, but apparently the server update did its job, and now that everybody can play at once, the cube is losing about a level a day (which should only get faster as the cube gets smaller).

Image above is taken from Apple App Store.  All rights belong to 22Cans Development Studio.

The Mountain Goats: Transcendental Youth

After dumping on the past several things I've reviewed (although I was highly complimentary of that Ukranian joint at which I feasted), I began to feel like I should change the name of my site to "Stuff Josh Is Going To Complain About, Because He Feels Like Having A Blog Is Just Like Having A Soapbox."  While SJIGTCABHFLHABIJLHAS would undoubtedly achieve great commercial success, it would also keep me from the pure joy of reviewing The Mountain Goats' latest release, Transcendental Youth.  And it is a joy.

In several interviews that John Darnielle has given to the press, he has stated that, thematically, Transcendental Youth is about wresting moments of triumph from despair.  It's never more clearly broadcast than in the first track ("Amy aka Spent Gladiator I"), which starts out with the lines "do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive / do every stupid thing to try to drive the dark away" and whose recurring lines in the chorus are "...and stay alive / just stay alive".  It feels much more like a rambunctious and carefree melody than we've gotten from The Mountain Goats in a while, and it's a good indicator of what's to come on the album.

From there, we're taken through a down-but-not-out character studies, masterfully written through Darnielle's lyrics, which evoke images of people seeing their lives slip away from them (the minor-key, propulsive "Lakeside View Apartments Suite"), lifetime hospital patients (the gorgeously haunting "White Cedar"), or Frankie Lymon, in what may be the standout track on the entire album, "Harlem Roulette".  After watching Darnielle's explanation of the basis for the song, the line "the loneliest people in the whole wide world / are the ones you're never going to see again" is heartbreaking.

It's not all roses.  Like most Mountain Goats albums, the end sags a little bit.  The title track, "Transcendental Youth," (which also closes out the album) while not a bad song, has repeatedly failed to leave an impression on me, despite the fact that I've listened to the album about twenty times by now.  There's also no really aggressive songs on this album, like a "No Children," "Lovecraft in Brooklyn," or "Estate Sale Sign," and while it's not a requirement for a great album, I get really excited when John gets angry.

Another thing I wish (and have wished, since the band achieved some stability), is that John would feel a little more comfortable being selfish in some of the arrangements.  The version of "White Cedar" that made the album is stunning.  But I heard a version that John played by himself at a show, and he just knocked it out of the park. It was quiet, spare, and alone, which suited the subject matter perfectly.  But, for what it's worth, this album represents the smoothest integration yet between John and the band, in my mind. The drums and bass feel like they belong in most of these songs.

In general, Transcendental Youth has a lot of uptempo (though not usually upbeat) songs, and typically strong melodies.  "The Diaz Brothers" and "Cry For Judas," in particular, are musically joyous pieces that I had not expected to hear in a Mountain Goats album.  It's super-listenable, and in fact I'm currently playing it again through iTunes, now that I have been able to purchase it on Amazon.  Is it as good as The Sunset Tree?  No.  But it is the best thing that The Mountain Goats have produced since.  It may even overtake Tallahassee as the second-best Mountain Goats album recorded.  In short, Transcendental Youth is worth buying and listening to twenty times at the very least.

The entire album is streaming for free at rollingstone.com.  Give it a shot.

Darnielle says that the way to transcend despair is to embrace your darkness.  Learn to enjoy the darkness.  If Transcendental Youth represents situations of despair, Darnielle makes it easy to assimilate and enjoy.

Album cover image is the property of The Mountain Goats, Merge Records, the artist, and whomever else they can dig up out of the woodwork.  Video courtesy of Pitchfork Media.  All rights reserved.

Calculus Affords A Man No Spare Time

Brief post this time.  Perversely glad there's no Legend of Korra running right now, because I would have no down periods in which to write reviews.  Anyway, couple of things of interest happening.

Number one, anonymous reports from the French say that Half-Life 3 will be out at the end of next year, or the beginning of the year after.  As with all Valve release dates, the proof will be in the pudding (which will be delicious).  More intriguingly, though, SlashGear (the website from which I got the report) says that the game, inspired by Skyrim and others, will be an open-world affair.  I'm half-excited about--and half-wary of--this rumored change to the established gameplay style of the Half-Life universe.  On one hand, the expansion of the world would allow Valve to tell more intricate and complete stories, which is a very enticing prospect (especially when you have Jay Pinkerton on your writing staff).  On the other hand, Half-Life games have always taken place in very hectic, tense situations, and the world is always portrayed as dilapidated.  I'm not sure that it's a world that I want to explore, nor that the leisurely pace of a The Elder Scrolls game, where you can rack up 100 hours of playtime without ever once touching the main quest, is suitable for the Half-Life experience.  What tilts me toward the positive end of the spectrum, however, is Valve's track record, and the fact that, if they're taking this long to produce the game, it's going to be something special.

---

The other thing that popped into my mind over the last few days has to do with the Nintendo Wii U.  Looking at the screen of this thing on the recently-released trailers (especially the one for TVii), made me realize what the console should really be used for--karaoke.  The Nintendo Wii featured a Joysound Karaoke game that was released only in Japan (although, I just found out this evening that a US version should be coming out this year), but I'm talking about the real karaoke experience here.  Apparently, the Wii Joysound game only featured access to 1,000 songs through a rental package (~30 were included with the game, which will also be the case when the game is released here).

If Netflix and Hulu can stream through your Wii U, why can't Nintendo offer a Karaoke Channel?  Team up with ClubDAM--or even Joysound again (although I personally prefer DAM)--and offer a two-tiered pricing approach.  For those who want the full karaoke box experience, ClubDAM can offer a monthly or yearly subscription package that nets access to their entire library of songs (stream the ones you want to sing and temporarily store a queue in the Wii U's hard drive).  For more casual enthusiasts, offer a Rock Band style option where users can purchase only the songs that they want in their library for karaoke purposes.  And what really makes this perfect is that Wii U gamepad controller, which can be used just like the song-selection screen at a karaoke box.  Just tap in your selection and it will be downloaded to the temporary memory in your Wii U.  Once it is sung, it gets erased.  North American customers get access to a high-quality karaoke experience (for the first time, in some areas), Nintendo gets to stake another claim to living room dominance, and ClubDAM gets an entirely new revenue stream.  There's really no excuse if Nintendo does not explore this avenue, as it's something that Sony and Microsoft have never even considered (outside of woeful Konami PS2 game Karaoke Revolution), and it could make Nintendo's new console stand out among less 'hardcore' gaming consumers.

Second image was retrieved from Engadget.  Press photo from Nintendo, all rights reserved.

Is a Blu-Ray Version of Avatar: The Last Airbender on Its Way?

Keep in mind that I have no real evidence that a Blu-Ray set of Avatar: The Last Airbender is on its way.  This is just a couple of things I noticed mounting up into a surmise.

First of all, when I was on Amazon a while back, I noticed that the prices on all the DVD sets for Avatar had dropped pretty dramatically.

Screen capture taken on August 22, 2012

This is at least five dollars cheaper than I've ever seen these sets priced on Amazon.com, and they've been priced this way for at least a month.  So I began to wonder why.  Then, a bit later, I saw some posts that Bryan Konietzko had made on his Tumblr blog, stating that he has been revisiting some of the old DVD cover art for the original series (links here and here).

Now, I have seen it happen in the past (right before an Xbox 360 redesign, for example) that Amazon will drop prices of something they're worried about being able to unload due to a newer, better version of the product being on the way.  If Brian has been revisiting the artwork for the DVD covers for the old series, maybe it's because he's designing/refining them for a Blu-Ray release, and Amazon wants to try to squeeze all of the sales they can out of the old DVD box sets, then turn around and sell the new Blu-Ray set to those same customers.

Again, I have absolutely no hard evidence that this is the case, nor do I have any confirmation that there will be Blu-Ray versions of any of the series' in the Avatar universe.  But wouldn't it make sense to use the Blu-Ray release of The Legend of Korra (which will almost definitely see a Blu-Ray release, since it was animated in 720p) to reignite the buying passions of Avatar fans around the world?

We will see.

UPDATE:  And now seasons two and three are selling for around $15.50.  Come on, now.  Something's up.

"The Most Depressing Thing I Ever Saw": I. Missouri Voters

This is the first installment in a new series I have been planning to do for about a week now.  Originally, I had thought to make my first post about Grave of the Fireflies, because... what could be more depressing than Grave of the Fireflies?"

Ask and ye shall receive.

Our good friend Todd Akin said some things that rubbed a few people the wrong way earlier this week.  Seems that some women (the loose ones, probably) and men (the gay ones, probably) took exception to the idea that there are degrees of raped-ness.  For example, if you didn't really want to have sex, but were wearing thigh-high boots and a miniskirt, that counts as a three-quarters rape.  You're probably gettin' pregnant on that one.  If you were wearing a sackcloth on your way to Wednesday night church, you're pretty much in the clear.

Well, as sorry as I am about Todd Akin's views, I'm glad he aired them out to the public.  It's important for voters to know that these are the types of opinions that inform Akin's--or any candidate's--decisions, which represent the people of Missouri in Congress.  I wish all politicians were so honest.

What depresses me is that, first of all, despite 79% of people polled disagreeing with Akin's comment (a figure that still seems woefully low), he still holds the edge in election polls.  That people are willing to overlook a viewpoint this crass and discriminatory, that they themselves disagree with, regardless of how you feel about abortion, is ghastly.  When did the maintenance of our country turn into such a bitter battle of wills?  How is electing someone who may be worse for the job, REGARDLESS of which party they represent, an event that grants personal vindication?  This is our future!  We can't be governed by the philosophies of 'I told you so!'

But what really depressed me is that Todd Akin is a politician, and politicians don't say anything in public, especially in an interview, and ESPECIALLY during election season, without carefully considering its impact on their campaign.  How it's going to play with the public, the voter base.  Missouri voters are not the people you see on TV.  There's a whole world of people out there that you forget even exist.  I personally know several people who would privately agree with Akin's views on rape.  Todd Akin said those things thinking they would make him appeal more to Missouri voters--and he was right.

And I knew, practically as soon as I saw the video of his gaffe, that he was still going to win this election.

Image found on sodahead.com.  All rights reserved.

The Antlers: Undersea

After listening to Hospice the first time, I thought The Antlers were a revelation.  It was chilling, depressing, cathartic, and catchy all at the same time.  The album takes you through the experiences of a caregiver at a hospice who tends to a loved one dying of cancer, and it's absolutely devastating.

So, with that kind of track record, I preordered their second album, Burst Apart.  And while it had some high moments ("Parentheses" is a cool groove, "Putting The Dog To Sleep" has a sweet and honest message, and "Every Night My Teeth Are Falling Out" is the strongest song on the whole album), it was somewhat of a letdown.  I figured that I would wait for reviews for the next album, Undersea, instead of blindly preordering it on faith (I had bad luck with preorders last year, having also bought Radiohead's The King of Limbs and Lupe Fiasco's Lasers sight-unseen).

Well, since I had "liked" The Antlers on Facebook (again, on the strength of Hospice), they sent me a notification that Undersea was available for streaming on their Facebook page (hopefully that link will work for all of you).  I had some homework to do last night, so I figured I would put it on, and see if they had returned to form.

In three words:  They did not.

It's as though the guys thought that "Rolled Together" was the high point of Burst Apart, and decided to craft the entire album in the same style.  It's aggressively boring.  I know this because, at one point, the droning and monotony actually drew me out of my precalculus, and made me angry that I was listening to it.  But the rest of the album was so unremarkable that it apparently started over while I was working, and I had listened to two-thirds of the album for a second time, without realizing it.

Antlers, you're not Radiohead.  You will never produce a Kid A, so go back to using guitars and being catchy and cathartic.  You can write about different topics; lord knows I wouldn't want you to have to go through something similar to whatever inspired Hospice for a second time, just to give me another classic album.  Just get back to writing great music.  The rest will fall into place.

On a brighter note, I've heard some of The Mountain Goats' new stuff, and it is excellent.

The New Red Menace Exposed! Part 3: Terror in the Heartland!

Check out parts one and two of the series if you like freedom.

THERE IT IS.  A hot bowl of borscht, looking for all the world like it wants to bite me.  The enemy incarnate, on our very own shores.  If ever I was going to strike a blow for the U.S. of A., this was the time.

THE LOCATION:  Dvin Restaurant on Big Bend Blvd, St. Louis.

MISSION:  Expose treasonous, beet-based soups for the communist, disgusting scourge that they are.

RESULT:  ...

total failure.

Disappointingly, I cannot disparage the borscht at Dvin to any degree.  It was delicious.  Instead of being a beet soup, it was actually a multi-vegetable broth comprised principally of tomatoes, with beets playing a minor role as sweetener.  The dish itself was completely vegetarian, with potatoes, cabbage, carrots, and I think zucchini providing the soup's heartiness.  The bread was really good, too.  Like a top-notch version of naan.

But my chance for redemption came when the entree was served!  Varenyky???  That doesn't sound like American Food (you capitalize 'food' in America) to me.  Dumplings filled with creamy, delicious mashed potatoes?? Where I come from (you know, AMERICA??) we make our dumplings with chicken in 'em.  Or something.

And what is that in the middle?  Russian relish?  There would be no 'relishing' this offense, comrade.  I think we all know too well where this is headed (hint: it's Moscow).  Time for Josh to prove. His. Point.

...But the truth is that the varenyky was almost as delicious as the borscht.  A much more delicate flavor, which on first impression seems bland, the potatoes and dill provide a thick 'mouth-feel' on the back of the palette.  The Russian relish (which was labeled as stewed cabbage, probably a better descriptor) was even excellent.  The whole dish was surprisingly filling, too, and after the borscht, I was only able to finish half of it.

Even the waitress (a mother-daughter team runs the restaurant, and the daughter is the waitress) was friendly, attentive, and informative.

But I haven't lost hope!  Somewhere, there is an insidious culinary threat to our way of life, and I will not rest until I have brought it down.  Stay vigilant, brothers and sisters, else we allow our country to become the worst of all nationalities:  Multi-National.

Burgers 'N' Borscht? Alan Moore shares my terror

Last image is from Watchmen.  Original story by Alan More, art by Dave Gibbons.  Rights reserved by DC Comics.

The Legend of Korra: "Endgame" (Episode 12)

Episode link is the same as the one in my review of episode 11, but here it is again.  Just click forward to the diamond about halfway across the screen and you'll begin "Endgame".

Also, it's a small matter, but the Nick website lists the episode's name as "End Game," while the episode itself reads "Endgame".  I went with the episode's version.  You gotta deal with it.

So there it is.  One season of The Legend of Korra is in the books.  Instead of going over the whole season, I'd like to take this episode in its own right and judge it on its own merits.  The season overview will have to wait for another post.

There were several winning scenes in this final episode:  Moments that caused an emotional reaction in me.  One of them is pictured above.  But I'll repeat the question I've asked in the past:  Were they earned?  Did the series follow through on a plot thread they'd been developing throughout the season, or did it just cue up the dramatic music and draw a character with a tear running down his/her cheek?

So, I've decided that, instead of doing a rundown of the episode and analyzing it, I'm going to pick out these points and discuss whether or not they were earned moments.  After that, I'll give my final grading of the episode.

So, I guess I'll begin with the moment shown above in the screen capture:

The Death of Amon

Moment:  Noatak flees Republic City on a motorboat with his brother Tarrlok, whom he'd just freed from prison.  Zipping along through the waves, Tarrlok tells his brother "It will be just like old times."  A single tear runs down Noatak's face and Tarrlok ignites the gas tank in the boat, using one of the electrified gloves designed by Hiroshi Sato.  A plume of smoke rises on the water's horizon.

Did it work?  Yes.

Possibly the most poignant and well-scripted scene in the entire series so far, this moment works only if we consider Tarrlok and Amon/Noatak as part of the same unit.  Each completes the other's character arc, until we are left with two sides of the same coin, trying to right the wrongs that were ravaged upon Republic City by their father in completely different ways.  Both realizing that their bloodline has been responsible for terrible crimes against Republic City, past and present.  And they make sure that their bloodline cannot cause any more misery.  Amon is aware of what his brother is doing, but he makes no motion to stop him.  He sheds his tear, and accepts punishment.

Ordinarily, I would gripe about Amon being too ill-defined until the next-to-last episode, and then asking us to read tragedy from his character through some hasty exposition, but I'm not doing that for two reasons.  One, the back story was just that good, earning its tragedy on its own terms, and I'm not sure how the show could have introduced it any sooner.  Two, this isn't just the story of Amon.  It's the story of Amon and Tarrlok.  As I wrote above, they are two sides of the same coin, and those times we don't get characterization on Amon, we're almost getting it from how the show portrays Tarrlok.

I can easily imagine Noatak coming into Republic City in a similar manner to how Korra showed up.  He would want to use his power to fight the corruption and widespread bender violence perpetrated by the triads.  But when he wrecked up the city, there was no Tenzin to get him out of prison, and no Tenzin to guide him through life in the city.  He would have been rotting in jail for trying to do the right thing, while these bending gangs intimidated and destroyed the lives of non-benders throughout the city.  To him, the bending police were maintaining the status quo for the bending triads.  Now, the way Avatar Aang fought that was by taking away the bending of criminals like his father.  Wouldn't that be the best solution in Noatak's mind?  Although the series doesn't give us this back story, the characterization that was done in that flashback was rich enough to allow the viewer to reasonably create his or her own.

Airbender Extinction

Moment:  After Amon reveals his scarred face (which would seem to contradict the assertion that he is a bloodbender), Mako and Korra make a move to get out of the arena.  Amon tells her to stick around for the main event, and Tenzin and his three children, the last airbenders in the world, rise up onto the stage, shackled to what looks for all the world like an execution scaffold.

Does it work: Yes, mostly

Tenzin and his family not only carry the bloodline of an endangered race and style of bending, they have been interwoven with the series in nearly every episode.  The carefree mannerisms and innocence of the children have been on display in numerous episodes.  Tenzin has been portrayed not only as a father to the main character of the series, but also as someone who can get a situation under control.  Korra looks to him for support and stability, so to see him bound to a post, having been unable to even protect his children, is a shocking moment, and it has built on the feelings that the series has created within the audience to provide impact.

That being said, the reason I added the qualifier "mostly" above is for two reasons.  Number one, it felt like a bit of a cheat, after it appeared that the airbender family got away at the end of "Turning the Tides".  There was no indication that any other airships were following them, so it never seemed like a possibility that they would have gotten captured.  Number two, if the airbenders got captured anyway, what did Lin accomplish through her awesomely-heroic sacrifice in "Turning the Tides"?  Does that moment get robbed of its power because of its inefficacy?

Korra's Salvation

Moment:  After Katara tells the group that she cannot restore Korra's bending, Korra falls into deep despair.  Depending on how you read the scene, she might be contemplating suicide.  Then she backs away from the cliff and begins to cry.  At that moment, a pair of legs appear that Korra (and the audience) takes to be Tenzin's.  However, the camera pans up and Avatar Aang is standing beside her.  He is at the head of a triangle of Avatars that stretches back into the distance, and their glowing Avatar State is transmitted into Korra, who regains her bending powers.

Does it work:  Eh, fifty-fifty

Korra does not really earn her salvation.  She keeps doing things the same way she's always done them, and this one time, when it looked like she was going to have to learn a lesson the hard way, Avatar State comes and bails her out, restoring the core of her self-image--her bending skill.  So what she learns is that patience is for chumps, because if she gets into any serious trouble, the Avatar State will bail her out.

On the other hand, if you believe the suicide theory, the decision to live is a pretty powerful one in its own right.  That may be her first step to realizing that the world is larger than just her and her problems.

And I have to be honest, the chance to see Aang again, acting in the present, was pretty awesome for a fan of Avatar: The Last Airbender.  They can trade on the characterization they've done over the course of three seasons (and one flashback this season) to the extent that I was just happy to see him again.  And it was exciting to see all of the past avatars show up, after having been cut off from them all season.

You really are a horrible father

Moment:  Asami, using one of her father's mecha tanks to smash up some of the biplanes that are going to be used to attack the United Forces fleet, has to confront her father, who is also driving a mecha tank.  He attacks her, and after a short battle, is staring down the barrel of one of her metal pincers.  But she has a moment of hesitation, and he launches a pincer at her and runs toward the opening of the airfield.  Knowing that he is at her mercy, Asami echoes Bolin's earlier words: "You really are a horrible father," and brings him down.

Does it work?  No, mostly

What the creators were trying to do is set up a scene that recalls the battle between Zuko and Azula in the series finale of Avatar: The Last Airbender.  It could have been masterful.  The reason it is not is that Asami's characterization has been so weak this season that I do not have many of her motivations that would show me how hard a time this is for her.  The series has not shown us the amount of affection she had for her father prior to his reveal as an Equalist, nor has it gone to great pains to demonstrate the reasons why she sides with Korra and her gang, other than the fact that her boyfriend did.  After Mako more or less dumps her, I don't see any reason why she stays on the side of the good guys.  If the show had portrayed more of Asami's own convictions (and maybe a little more of the conflict within Hiroshi at what he was doing to Asami, considering that he loves her so much), this could have been a classic scene.  Instead, it was all style and no substance.

Iroh's Big Adventure

Moment:  After finding out that Hiroshi Sato knows the location of the rest of his navy, General Iroh commandeers one of the biplanes and heads out for battle.  He takes down about six enemy fighters in various colorful ways before bailing out of his own damaged plane.  He quips something to Aang's statue, and we never see him again.

Does it work?  No

This is a character that never should have been introduced.  If you want to have somebody dashing around doing heroic things, why not call Bolin, who has been woefully underused since about episode five.  The show brought in a character whose existence had not even been hinted at before last week, and gave him one of the big action setpieces in the episode.  And then, as mentioned before, he's gone.  Why even include this portion of the episode?  Couldn't we have used a bit better spacing somewhere else, like say, showing Korra's despair over losing her bending over a wider range of scenes?  No good, Bryan and Mike.  No good.

Give me more of Republic City's real hero:  Uncle Bumi.

There were some other things in the episode that caught my attention (Korra's first airbending, the, uh, kiss...), but these were the main things that stood out as being cool to me on first viewing.

So overall, I give the finale a B.  Solid storytelling brought down by unearned character moments that should have had more impact than they did.  Also, the lack of Tenzin and Lin Bei Fong throughout most of the episode didn't sit well with me.

Other stuff (just a couple, because I've already blathered enough):

• If he commands a fleet of warships, shouldn't Iroh be an Admiral, like Zhao, instead of a General?
• Would it be unethical for Aang to ask Korra if he can possess her body for a couple of hours so that he can be with his wife and family for a while?  I would like to see that.
• Season two could make a complete sap out of me, like it did in the original series for Zuko's character.  I heard a rumor that more writers are being brought on board for the next season, so let's hope that one of them is Tim Hedrick. (UPDATE: One of them is Tim Hedrick.  The other is Joshua Hamilton, responsible for such episodes as "The Chase", "The Ember Island Players", and... uh... "The Painted Lady".)

There's a couple of things I would like to write in the Korra-less interrim.  One is a review of the season as a whole, as far as what worked and what didn't, and the other is a reorganization of the plots in this season so as to make it flow better as a whole. I will get around to that when I get a little time.

Also, all the episodes of the original series Avatar: The Last Airbender are up on Nick's website right now.  They can be accessed here.  If you haven't watched it and enjoyed Legend of Korra even a little bit, your enjoyment will be greatly enhanced by watching how it all started.  Seriously great television.

Until next season, I'll be waiting with Naga and all the rest of you.

All images are the property of Nickelodeon, Inc., Bryan Konietzko, and Mike DiMartino.  All rights reserved.

The Legend of Korra: "Skeletons in the Closet" (Episode 11)

So, here's a link to this and the next episode.  They all show in the same window, so just watch the first half if you for some reason only want to see "Skeletons in the Closet".

I decided to write separate reviews for the final two episodes of the season, even though they were shown consecutively on Nick, and they're being streamed consecutively on Nick.com.  My reasoning for that is, if the creators had truly wanted the audience to consider the final two episodes as part of the finale, they would have made them into a two-part episode (a la "Siege of the North" or "Day of Black Sun").  Anyone who picks up the series later on, in whatever format is most convenient, will not know that the final two episodes were shown as a pair, and will consider each accordingly.

That being said, I can see why Bryan and Mike wanted to put this episode together with the action-and-revelation-packed "Endgame".  This episode, although important to the advancement of the plot, was kind of boring on its own.

Broken down, "Skeletons in the Closet" has three main acts.  Act I shows what happens to General Iroh and his fleet of gaudy ships.  Act II shows our heroes planning out their final strategy against Amon.  Act III is the sad, sad story of Tarrlok & Amon.  I'd like to deal with their success or... not-success, in that order.

Act I: The firebombing of Iroh's fleet

As we left off last week's episode, Zuko's grandson Iroh, general of the United Forces Naval Fleet, was headed for Republic City, supposedly to be its salvation.  When he arrives, he finds it strange that there is no outward sign of hostile forces waiting for his ships.  Then, they run into mines.  And biplanes.  By the end of the sequence, the United Forces has been rendered a nonentity in the fight for Republic City.  While some of the action is exhilarating, the obvious fate of Iroh's fleet means that a lot of the consequences don't feel very... consequential.  Iroh himself has only been defined by four or so lines at this point.  I don't have any stake in whether or not he does anything awesome, because there's no life in him yet.

Another point of concern is the large usage of time that this fight requires to essentially change nothing about the situation in Republic City.  We sit and watch eight or so minutes of the episode that maintain the status quo established so far in the previous episode.  If some character development had taken place, I would actually rejoice--but none occurs.  Korra is the same impulsive-yet-eager-to-help girl that she has been all season.  As usual, Mako, Bolin, and Asami sit on the sidelines and watch.  Hiroshi's angry and wants to hurt benders.  Woo boy.

There has to have been some other way to get General Iroh into Republic City and define his character more clearly than this.  Time being at a premium this season, there was a better way to use the first 1/3 of this episode than dropping bombs onto ships.

Act II: The Hard Goodbye

Well, after Korra drags Iroh out of the bay, the freedom fighters regroup in Hobotown.

Small note on Hobotown: In the beginning of the episode, Gummo, the hobo with whom we're acquainted the best, tells our little group that benders and non-benders live together peacefully in Hobotown.  So who are all these people that support Amon?  It's not the lower class.  The upper class usually is not peopled by the Hiroshi Sato-driven-by-revenge type, so I can't imagine too many of them are supporters.  Middle class?  Maybe, but other than that scene where Tarrlok turns off their power, I can't see too many examples of middle class bending-haters.  Who do you think is going to these Pro Bending matches, after all?

Okay, back to Act II.

The group decides to split up, so that Korra can go challenge Amon, face-to-face.  Even though hot-headedness and pride have been her problems the entire run of the series, her "gut" tells her that she needs to man-up and fight Amon, so that's what she's gonna do.  Mako tells her that he's going to go with her to face Amon, and that pretty much breaks up the relationship that Mako had been in with Asami.  I guess it no longer "makes more sense" for him to go after Asami, since she's no longer wealthy.  So Korra and Mako go to face Amon, and the rest of the group goes to the airfields (which they find surprisingly easily, considering all they had to go on was Mako's "I think they came from that direction").  Not much to this act, as it was mostly to set up the structure for the rest of this and the next episode.

Act III:  Who Amon really is

       

So after Korra and Mako go to Air Temple Island (disguised as Equalists) to confront Amon, Lt. Mustache Guy tells them that they better get to the Pro Bending Arena for Amon's big rally.  Then, they go upstairs in the Air Temple and find Tarrlok.  And Tarrlok spills his guts about the true identity of Amon.

Before I get to that true identity of Amon, I'd like to point out that my complaints about Korra having no agency still hold true in all of this information dumping.  She doesn't seek out any additional information about Amon's plans, nor about his true identity--she just happens to be in the right place at the right time, just like she was in the Sato Mansion.  The only ideas that ever cross into Korra's mind are "fight" and "smooch Mako".  For how so many people have been raving about what a strong female lead Korra has been, this seems pretty insulting.  How about if she decides there's more to Amon than what he's telling everybody, and she decides to go on a mission to figure out what it is?  How about letting Korra control her own destiny for once?

Okay, now that I've got that out of my system, let's deal with the flashback.  As a rule, I am not a fan of exposition dumps, especially when they take the form of flashbacks that don't involve our main character.  Amon has been a nebulous villain throughout the series, and Tarrlok was a side character up until "When Extremes Meet".  It's lucky, then, that this flashback is so compelling and movingly-told.  Single-handedly, it nearly saves the entire episode from being a throwaway set-up to the main event.  It makes this episode worthy of standing on its own.

At first, I cringed when Tarrlok admitted that Amon was his brother Noatak.  "Did we really need any more coincidental family connections?" I thought to myself.  The idea of Amon avenging their father's dismissal from Republic City was too trite, too cartoony, to be a powerful motivator for a villain in this universe.  The Fire Nation's war carried back to a time when Sozin thought up the idea of manifest destiny.  Encroaching upon other sovereign nations is not a laudable activity, it's true, but at least he had high ideals.  Long Feng thought he was protecting Ba Sing Se from invasion from the Fire Nation by keeping it insular.  Since the Fire Nation had never been able to broach its walls, it must have seemed like the most logical conclusion in the world to just sit behind them and wait out the war.  In fact, it's only after Long Feng is overthrown that Ba Sing Se is sacked.

Point being, villains in this universe usually don't have purely evil goals.  Thankfully, Amon follows this trend.  Although he and Tarrlok are indeed Yakone the Gangster's sons, they both hate him.  Neither boy wanted to learn to bloodbend, and both hate doing it.  So Noatak (Amon's name before he put on the mask) gets it into his head that the Avatar's power to remove bending is the true noble power.  We are to suppose that he went in search of such a power, and developed his bloodbending capabilities to such an extent that those abilities would allow him to wield that power himself.

The entire sequence is chilling.  The two boys, vulnerable and alone in the night (pictured at the beginning of the review), have to sit and hear their father tell them that he's one of history's greatest monsters, and then have to hear that they're going to be forced to learn the same skill that earned him banishment from Republic City.  The sequences of bloodbending, too, become more brutal as each lesson is shown, beginning with Noatak bloodbending a bison into a standing position, then showing him forcing a pack of wolves into bowing to him., and finally culminating in a sequence where the two sons are told to bloodbend each other.  Noatak does so, but Tarrlok refuses to reciprocate, saying that it feels awful, and that he didn't want anyone else to have to feel that.  Perhaps mirroring the paths that the two brothers followed into the future, Tarrlok is the boy with the bigger heart.

Finally, Noatak bloodbends his father in order to protect Tarrlok, then runs away.  Just phenomenal storytelling for Mike and Bryan.  If it hadn't been preceded by fifteen minutes of filler, I would have applauded this episode, but it came at the end, almost to make us forget that those fifteen minutes had even happened.  Try harder next time, guys.  Give me 22 minutes of solid plotting and character growth, and I will gush praise.

Observations:

• Was there ever a character as pointless as General Iroh (II)?  He's so generic that there really could have been anybody commanding those ships.  He doesn't carry any of the pathos of Zuko, and he had not been introduced to the audience in any dialogue prior to his reveal last episode.
• Lovely desolate landscapes in the flashback.  You could feel the boys' isolation from the rest of the world, both physically and spiritually, in those backgrounds.
• Well, it's fortunate that Gummo the Hobo is also an ex-telegraph operator, because otherwise, how would Korra and Iroh have sent messages to the fleet?  These things work out so well!
• Oh yeah, I guess Mako is now openly trying to get with Korra.  Slipped my mind.  I wonder why.
• Boy, we sure were all wrong about this being an "Aang Gang" flashback episode.  Not that I would have minded.

That's it for this episode, but I'll try to get up the review for "Endgame" as soon as I can.  Maybe tonight, maybe Wednesday night.

All images are the property of Nickelodeon, Inc., Bryan Konietzko, and Mike DiMartino.  All rights reserved.

The Legend of Korra: Book One Reviews

I've compiled a page of links that will take you to the review for each episode.  I decided to do this for a couple of reasons:  Number one, clicking on the "Legend of Korra Reviews" tab in the "Tags" section opens up the reviews in the order they were posted, which might not be helpful if you're trying to catch up on episodes you missed.  Number two, the "Legend of Korra Reviews" tag also brings up every review that I've written in its entirety, which can make it difficult to find the specific review that you're looking for.

Also, I'll begin with my general impressions article, which kind of served as my review of the first two episodes.

The Legend of Korra - Not technically a review of the first two episodes, but the closest thing that I ever wrote.

Episode 3: "The Revelation" - We get our introduction to Amon and his plan for Republic City.

Episode 4: "The Voice in the Night" - One of my favorite episodes so far, it explores how Amon's revelation has affected Korra psychologically.

Episode 5: "The Spirit of Competition" - Eh... one of my "not-favorite" episodes.  Tried to be as positive as I could, though.

Episode 6: "And the Winner Is..." - Amon makes his reappearance at the Pro Bending Championships and leaves chaos in his wake.

Episode 7: "The Aftermath" - Not the thoughtful episode that we expected after the bombshell of Episode 6!

Episode 8: "When Extremes Meet" -The Avatar has another enemy, who is not all he seems...

Episode 9: "Out of the Past" - We see some of the exploits of Team Avatar in its later years, and Korra's friends break into an Equalist facility.

Episode 10: "Turning the Tides" - This run-up to the two-episode finale adds some depth and grace to our favorite metalbender.

Episode 11: "Skeletons in the Closet" - We find out the truth about Amon.

Episode 12: "Endgame" - Republic City's conflict comes to a head.

The Legend of Korra: "Turning The Tides" (Episode 10)

Episode link: here.

Well, here we stand.  At the crossroads of destiny.  Just one Saturday morning left, and then we go into another extended break from the Avatar Universe.

I'll wait for next week (or maybe even the week after) to do an overview of the first season, with impressions about what was successful, what was not, and predictions as to the next season's contents.

But for now, I'll focus on what the creators dished out this week.

This was a pretty action-heavy episode.  There were three distinct action setpieces that I can think of, with several minor ones scattered in between: Tenzin and Team Avatar against the equalists and mechs, Lin and Airbender Children against equalists, and Lin's final rampage against two airships.  All three were incredibly exciting, but they didn't leave a lot of time for character advancement.  The Avatar, apart from taking a mech tank down with her waterbending, barely has any part in this episode.  Asami and Mako are catty to each other.  Bolin makes a couple of quips, and that's it for Team Avatar.

In some ways, though, this episode gave me a glimpse into what could have been, if the series had decided to focus on Tenzin instead of Korra.  Judging from "Turning the Tides," I think that would have been a much better series.  Tenzin's concerns as a father, councilman, husband, and flag-bearer for an entire culture are so much more interesting than Korra's... anything, really.  All of Korra's problems are very self-centered:  She's not spiritual, she can't airbend, the guy she likes is kinda into somebody else but into her, too...  None of these affects anyone but her.  Who, outside of Tenzin, the White Lotus, and Korra cares about whether or not Korra learns to airbend?  How is that going to make life better for anyone in Republic City?

Contrast that with Tenzin's problems:  Trying to guide the city in such a way that neither benders nor non-benders are treated unfairly; taking care of a family; bearing the traditions of one of the four great nations on his back, as well as being the only living master of an endangered form of bending...  These are problems that have greater ripples into the rest of the Avatar universe, and make him a more sympathetic character.

To be honest, a series focused on the older people in the Avatar universe sounds (and looks, after this episode) immensely appealing.  It would be a completely different vibe from Avatar: the Last Airbender, and yet, also more true to its characterizations.  Aang and his crew usually acted in a manner that indicated that they were much more mature than they should have been, according to their age.  They also act much more mature than the current Team Avatar that we've been given in The Legend of Korra.

To get back to the episode at hand, the action starts pretty quickly.  We get some (frankly unnecessary and awkward-sounding) recap, and then we launch into Lt. Mustache Guy abducting the council representative from the Fire Nation, looking appropriately creepy.  He looks like somebody, but I'm having a hard time putting my finger on it.  If anybody figures it out, plunk it down in the comments section, will ya?

From there, the rest of the council falls, except for Tenzin.  Being the only combat-trained bender left on the council after Tarrlok's "departure", he manages to handle the kidnappers with relative ease and makes his way over to the police station.

From there, it's basically one fight after another.  My favorite in the episode is probably the Lin/Airbending Children battle on Air Temple Island.  Lots of Bei Fong coolness (especially the shot of her waiting for the Equalists to attack), and Tenzin's children acquit themselves admirably in battle.  It's basically just a really well-choreographed sequence, and it grows Lin's character without any exhausting exposition.

Pema has her baby while this particular battle is going on.  I don't know why the show chose to do that just then, but there it is.  I really hate that Pema's scenes are limited to "clearing the table while the men-folk and Lin talk," and "spitting out babies while everybody else fights."  I don't even need her to be a superhero like a lot of these other characters are.  She had a nice moment back in "The Spirit of Competition" where she talked to Korra like a mother.  I wouldn't mind seeing her in more of a confidant capacity, and maybe see her interacting with her children once in a while (which doesn't even need to be its own scene.  That can be shown in the background while other things are going on on Air Temple Island).

But I should get back to Lin, because she is really the heart of this episode.  Tenzin is strong and well-fleshed-out, but Lin's arc seemingly comes to a close this week, and it's been perhaps the most interesting arc that the show has provided so far.  Tarrlok was written out of the show (more or less) just when he was getting interesting, and I don't know that anyone else has shown the character growth that Lin has.  She went from being grouchy in the first episode to being a warm, human character who is willing to sacrifice herself for the people she cares about.  I still don't know why Korra fights, but I know why Lin Bei Fong does.

And what a sacrifice it is, too.  Someone on the A.V. Club's discussion board for the episode lambasted the creators' decision to 'off' Lin Bei Fong, calling her the most well-rounded, three-dimensional character in the entire series.  While I could name Tenzin as the exception to that statement, he was right.  And that's why she had to be the one to lose her bending.  What kind of emotional value would that moment have if it had happened to Mako, Bolin, or Korra?  The first two would have been shocking, but not really sad.  Korra, we could be pretty sure, would regain her ability to bend at some point, and that would have robbed the moment of some of its poignancy (setting aside for the moment that Korra losing her bending would not have been that sad to me).  So that left two choices: either Tenzin had to lose his bending, or Lin had to lose hers. Tenzin is the last airbending master in the world, and de-bending him would have made Amon into a far too unsympathetic character.  But Lin only represents herself.  And it was pretty devastating when I saw her leap into the air, knowing full-well that the two outcomes of her actions were capture and death.

And I've been treating the removal of Lin's bending as a death for her character.  Not only because the show's on Nickelodeon, and that's probably the closest the creators can come to showing an execution, but also because bending is a formidable part of her identity.  As an earthbender, it is in her personality to meet problems head-on.  Using her bending allowed her to jump to the front of any conflict, trusting in her skills to carry the day.  Her bending allowed her to be brave.  Without her bending, how must her personality change?  Another reason I read this as a death for the character is that, aside from Tahno's minor part in "The Aftermath," benders who have been de-bent have not been heard from again in the series.

Housecleaning (why don't we make Pema do it???):

• Some awesome little details in this episode, but this one is my favorite: Tenzin knows that he is about to be attacked by Equalists because his beard fuzzes up, due to the static electricity that the bolo-things are putting off.  So creative.
• Amon's rhetoric is starting to change.  Someone brought up a good point about the non-logic of Amon just randomly bombing Republic City--why is he attacking the non-benders that he claims to be fighting for?  Why is he taking down an infrastructure that he's going to need to use after he takes control of the city?  In his conversation with Hiroshi Sato, the phrasing he uses is "it is time for the Equalists to take control of Republic City."  He does not say "non-benders," but instead specifies that his group is going to take control of the city.  Not so populist anymore, eh Amon?
• I'm not thrilled about the General Iroh reveal.  Not only is it too fan-servicey, but Dante Basco's voice does not sound like it should be coming out of that body.
• On the topic of the Fire-oh-wait-I-mean-'United Forces' Navy, those are the gaudiest ships I've ever seen.  It's like they took their design cues from the Grandview China Wok.
• At least we didn't have to deal with Afro Circus Zebra this week.

Crackpot-theory-of-the-week:  All right, since the show is all but over for this season, I have to reach deep down to come up with this little number:  Tarrlok is assisting Amon in exchange for a place of power after the revolution is over.  He's come up with a new way to take control of the city.

Let me leave you with this, as it will stay with me this entire week.  Lin raises her head, as though to say "Get it over with," and breaks my heart.

All images are the property of Nickelodeon, Inc., Bryan Konietzko, and Mike DiMartino.  All rights reserved.

The New Red Menace Exposed! pt 2: Fear and Loathing in St. Louis

It's still waiting...

In the first part of this hard-hitting piece of journalism, I promised you, the readers, that I would get to the bottom of an insidious Soviet Conspiracy in our own backyards.  Codename:  Borscht.

It had been my intention to expose this beet-based threat and the extent to which it has infiltrated even the most heartwarming of American institutions: the Eastern European restaurant.  I did this knowing full well the amount of danger to which I was exposing myself.  Some brave truth-teller from IP address 67.81.255.167 tried to warn me, saying:
"borsh is a very g a y dish it is made of di ck."  I had no idea that a soup could change my sexual orientation!  That Wikipedia has cut down this brave soldier of freedom saddens me greatly.

But all you freedom-lovers know that "freedom ain't free" (to coin a phrase), so southward I traveled, to Dvin Restaurant on Big Bend Blvd.  The heartland.

When I strode up to the door, I could smell their fear.  What sight greeted me when I arrived?  What diabolical torture had they prepared?  They.  Weren't.  Open.  Dvin Restaurant knew they could not stand under my withering stare, so they took the coward's way out.  Plus, I wasted probably two gallons of gas getting down there!  Seriously!

But I am prepared to endure the expenditure of even four gallons of gas in order to bring the truth to the public consciousness!  I will be back.  They better be ready.

Tokyo Seafood Buffet

In the meantime, I needed to scare up some grub.  As I was driving down Olive, I saw this place (pictured above) that said they featured conveyor belt sushi (or, kaitenzushi).  Since this is the only place in St. Louis that I've ever heard about that features conveyor belt sushi, I decided to stop off and have dinner here, instead.

The place's name is Tokyo Seafood Buffet, which is not immediately apparent when looking at the façade of the restaurant.  And, while it DID feature sushi traveling around on a conveyor belt, I fear that was the only connection between Tokyo Seafood Buffet and the kaitenzushi places I used to go to in Japan.

For starters, the sushi was part of the "all-you-can-eat" buffet, which is usually indicative of the quality.  Second, I saw only two plates of nigiri-style sushi on the belt the entire time I was there.  And third, the same plates of sushi were going around the counter when I left as when I came in.  Not a good sign.

As for the other buffet offerings, I was decidedly underwhelmed.  Many of the entrees did not appear to be very fresh (I'm looking at you, 'slice-your-own roast beef'), and so I avoided them.  The mushrooms tasted as though the recipe was lifted straight from Golden Corral.  A friendly middle-aged woman who was frying... things motioned to me to take something called a fried oyster cake, and it turned out to be the best thing I ate all night.  It was like an egg roll with oysters in it, but with an exterior like a pancake instead of a crispy egg roll skin.

While I'm on the subject of oysters, I might as well say that I found out tonight that I do not like raw oysters. This was my first time tasting them, and I was not a huge fan.  Of course, the flip side to that is that a $13.99 all-you-can-eat buffet may not be the best venue in which to judge a normally-celebrated foodstuff.

Then came dessert.  I stayed light, and went for something that looked like a cream puff and a couple of spoons full of that banana pudding and "'Nilla Wafers" concoction that usually shows up on buffets.  They had other things (including a chocolate waterfall with only strawberries and marshmallows to dip in it), but I was reaching the end of my gut capacity, and wanted to be able to walk out of the building on my own power.  I had assumed the cream puff would be filled with custard.  Woe betides the fool who assumes anything at a buffet.  It was filled with tasteless whipped topping.  And that was the bright spot of the dessert!  If you've ever eaten a banana-flavored Laffy Taffy, you know exactly what the banana pudding tasted like.  It's that 'banana flavor' that's trying too hard to taste like bananas.  Very unpleasant.

On the bright side, the green tea was quite good (but not complimentary, as it should be in a kaitenzushi joint).

Walking out of Tokyo Seafood Buffet, I found myself wishing that Dvin had been open.  After that meal, I felt like I could use a bowl full of Pepto-Bismol.