It's still waiting...
In the first part of this hard-hitting piece of journalism, I promised you, the readers, that I would get to the bottom of an insidious Soviet Conspiracy in our own backyards. Codename: Borscht.
It had been my intention to expose this beet-based threat and the extent to which it has infiltrated even the most heartwarming of American institutions: the Eastern European restaurant. I did this knowing full well the amount of danger to which I was exposing myself. Some brave truth-teller from IP address 67.81.255.167 tried to warn me, saying:
"borsh is a very g a y dish it is made of di ck." I had no idea that a soup could change my sexual orientation! That Wikipedia has cut down this brave soldier of freedom saddens me greatly.
But all you freedom-lovers know that "freedom ain't free" (to coin a phrase), so southward I traveled, to Dvin Restaurant on Big Bend Blvd. The heartland.
When I strode up to the door, I could smell their fear. What sight greeted me when I arrived? What diabolical torture had they prepared? They. Weren't. Open. Dvin Restaurant knew they could not stand under my withering stare, so they took the coward's way out. Plus, I wasted probably two gallons of gas getting down there! Seriously!
But I am prepared to endure the expenditure of even four gallons of gas in order to bring the truth to the public consciousness! I will be back. They better be ready.
Tokyo Seafood Buffet
In the meantime, I needed to scare up some grub. As I was driving down Olive, I saw this place (pictured above) that said they featured conveyor belt sushi (or, kaitenzushi). Since this is the only place in St. Louis that I've ever heard about that features conveyor belt sushi, I decided to stop off and have dinner here, instead.
The place's name is Tokyo Seafood Buffet, which is not immediately apparent when looking at the façade of the restaurant. And, while it DID feature sushi traveling around on a conveyor belt, I fear that was the only connection between Tokyo Seafood Buffet and the kaitenzushi places I used to go to in Japan.
For starters, the sushi was part of the "all-you-can-eat" buffet, which is usually indicative of the quality. Second, I saw only two plates of nigiri-style sushi on the belt the entire time I was there. And third, the same plates of sushi were going around the counter when I left as when I came in. Not a good sign.
As for the other buffet offerings, I was decidedly underwhelmed. Many of the entrees did not appear to be very fresh (I'm looking at you, 'slice-your-own roast beef'), and so I avoided them. The mushrooms tasted as though the recipe was lifted straight from Golden Corral. A friendly middle-aged woman who was frying... things motioned to me to take something called a fried oyster cake, and it turned out to be the best thing I ate all night. It was like an egg roll with oysters in it, but with an exterior like a pancake instead of a crispy egg roll skin.
While I'm on the subject of oysters, I might as well say that I found out tonight that I do not like raw oysters. This was my first time tasting them, and I was not a huge fan. Of course, the flip side to that is that a $13.99 all-you-can-eat buffet may not be the best venue in which to judge a normally-celebrated foodstuff.
Then came dessert. I stayed light, and went for something that looked like a cream puff and a couple of spoons full of that banana pudding and "'Nilla Wafers" concoction that usually shows up on buffets. They had other things (including a chocolate waterfall with only strawberries and marshmallows to dip in it), but I was reaching the end of my gut capacity, and wanted to be able to walk out of the building on my own power. I had assumed the cream puff would be filled with custard. Woe betides the fool who assumes anything at a buffet. It was filled with tasteless whipped topping. And that was the bright spot of the dessert! If you've ever eaten a banana-flavored Laffy Taffy, you know exactly what the banana pudding tasted like. It's that 'banana flavor' that's trying too hard to taste like bananas. Very unpleasant.
On the bright side, the green tea was quite good (but not complimentary, as it should be in a kaitenzushi joint).
Walking out of Tokyo Seafood Buffet, I found myself wishing that Dvin had been open. After that meal, I felt like I could use a bowl full of Pepto-Bismol.
Oh, my. Red menace indeed. Also, as far as raw oysters - I used to not be too big on them myself, but Phi showed me the light. We need to get you some quality Kumamoto oysters, my friend. They're just one of those foods that you can't compromise on, or it gets really bad, really fast. Sort of like Uni, in a way.
ReplyDeleteAny place that "moves" sushi next to nilla wafers pudding can't be all bad! Actually, this place looks like a converted bowling alley.
ReplyDeleteShin Seven- I kind of got a similar idea. I've heard of Kumamoto oysters, and Westcotts and Olympias. This place just had a sign above the buffet that said "oysters". It did taste a bit like trash at the bottom of the ocean, just like bad uni. I'm on for trying a more prestigious variety whenever I make it back to Chicago.
ReplyDeleteJeremy- I have eaten at bowling alleys whose offerings were more palatable! The banana pudding was a tragedy, and the true insult was that it didn't even taste like real "'Nilla Wafers"!
ReplyDeleteYou will do well to think of your food's method of conveyance as a secondary consideration of the food's merit. I once had an unfortunate experience with something called a "Dunkin' Stix" that could have been avoided if I had taken this advice!